Time Out New York Kids S-E-X roundtable

Not sure why I didn't post this earlier- oh yeah, Time Out New York Kids didn't post it right away, and then I was cleaning a crib with poop all over it and play wrestling and building Lego for about a month and I just forgot about it. Til now.

The Parents Roundtable about S-E-X!!!

Time Out New York Kids' historic roundtable discussion is amazing- not just cuz I'm in it- but because they don't have national advertisers and they can take chances the big glossies can't. It was such a pleasure to do this.

Time Out New York Kids

Hey I'm in Time Out New York Kids this month, as one of the parents in a roundtable discussion about parenting and sexuality called Parental Guidance Suggested. I had a great time, which I guess isn't surprising considering that I love to talk about sex and motherhood. The other participants were smart and funny and I felt like I learned a lot from their experiences. I was super happy to be a part of it and nervous that I would say something really stupid, which I am sure I did but I believe they edited out.

Earlier tonight my partner Ken sat down beside me and read it.

"Did I come off okay?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Did I say anything objectionable?"

"Well anything you say Felix is going to object to when he's about twelve years old."

He's right. I've already started writing Felix letters to be read when he's older, just in case I die in a car crash and he's left with quotes of me in a magazine saying things like, "Felix definitely touches his penis a lot."

I showed Felix the magazine and he was way more interested in the "Kids' Fave iPhone Apps" feature.

I really commend TONYKids for taking this on, and writing about sex positive parenting and parents' real experiences in a way that most parenting magazines with their national advertisers wouldn't allow. Anyway, take a look, it's on the newsstands now (it's not online yet.) And dude I wore that crazy eighties dress that was my sister's because it covered my arms and belly, and clearly I shouldn't bother trying to make my hair look nice for a magazine because it didn't work.

Vacation Sex

I have been lucky enough to have been on vacation upstate for weeks on end. We were at a friends in Delhi for two weeks and before moving to our communal summer share compound in Roscoe with The Mommy Cult. Now we are 10 adults and 11 kids (including two babies) sharing 2 old farmhouses, 3 bathrooms, and one small private lake. There have been bonfires and s'mores, skinny dipping and hiking, t-ball on the lawn, and frogs and turtles and lizards and fish, blueberry picking and farmers markets and lots of grilled meat, mountain views and bouquets of wildflowers. It is idyllic, perfect, the kids are spending most of their days outside, swimming, building houses for ants and making up games. I drink good wine every night with some of my closest friends. We even had a kareoke party. But the best part for me has been the sex.

I have been having sex with my husband 4 or 5 times a week all summer long. The baby naps like clockwork, and our son is happy to watch a movie or read for half and hour or play with the other kids here at the "commune". It's mostly quickies, and we rarely have time to truly indulge each other, but it has just been amazing. I asked my partner if he thought we were having more sex because we were getting along better or whether we were getting along better because we were having more sex. He thinks the former, I think the latter. And who really cares, when I'm getting laid almost every day?

Granted it's not perfect- one day we snuck away but couldn't concentrate because who can have sex when all the kids are playing freeze tag just outside the window? Another day our son interrupted us and was about to interrupt us again when I shouted though the door: "My iPhone is on the counter in the kitchen, why don't you play Rolando for awhile?" I could hear him talking to his best friend as he walked away, "Did you hear that!? My mom just gave us iPhone time and we didn't even have to ask!"

But this summer is so sweet because we have had some rough times. Some really rough times. Months and months of no sex. A short respite and then another long dry spell. No connection.

Now I'm somehow transported to the summer we really fell in love, when Ken came to visit me from Australia and we had two perfect weeks of sex and museums and movies and concerts and dancing and sex every day. That was over ten years ago, but my desire for him is the same as it was then. I am so happy and contented, what with all that oxytocin from the breastfeeding and the orgasms.

I'm already dreading the fall: the long commute to my son's school with the baby in tow, Ken working long hours, me desperate to find time to myself to work.

I have no idea how I'm going to keep at least some of this sex happening.

MotherLover - Babeland Sexy Moms Blog

Now these are some Sexy Moms. I LOVE this.

Porn for New Moms

Okay, this isn't real, real porn, but it does speak to me. Porn for New Moms Watch the promo trailer. It would be even better if these guys were naked, saying, "Don't worry, honey, I'll do the dishes and fold the laundry one handed while holding the baby. You just take a nap."

I totally understand the reason this book exists, I laughed, and I LOVE the title but the fantasy of the guy doing all the house work just plays into stereotypical thinking. The sexy guy with the baby. It's true, I think my guy is sexier when I see him care for our kids. It's part of the intimacy of love. But it's not about housework.

Ayelet Waldman just came out with a new book this week, Bad Mother. Porn for New Moms reminds me of Ayelet saying she loved her husband more than her kids because he helped around the house. Okay I'm simplifying things here, but what always made me mad was that she never mentioned her nanny or her housekeeper. Most of us just don't live like that. I'd want to fuck my husband a lot more often if we had someone who did our laundry and dishes every week, let alone every day.

So basically I'm not paying for childcare so I can save for someone to help me clean. So I can have sex more often.

Moms get %10 Off Sex Toys!- Babeland sexy moms 2009

Use the code above and get %10 off sex toys at Babeland!

I've been asking some of my friends how they keep their sex lives going and I especially liked these two answers.

1.) Friends: I guess this isn't news to anyone who read that New York Times article about how friends keep us healthy, but some of my mommies say that other moms are their livesavers. "I wouldn't still be married if it weren't for my friends," said my friend E. "They get it: the anger at him for feeding the baby a bottle right before I came home to breastfeed, the boredom of the repetitive nature of mothering, the cyberstalking of ex boyfriends who adored me."

I definitely understand this logic: my sex life improves if I feel better about myself, I feel better about myself if I spend time with my friends, therefore my friends improve my sex life. And I have done the ex boyfriend thing too, which I think is pretty harmless. After Vera was born, I spent an entire nap time watching videos on an ex online. I think I just wanted to be in a world away from children and responsibilities, and anything having to do with them.

2.) Sex on the go: One of my mommies isn't feeling it so much herself, "My libido is nowhere to be found!" While she laments this, she doesn't let it stop her from having an intimate life with her partner. They have a regular date night which always includes sex, since they don't wait 'til they get home. "We have sex in restaurant bathrooms all the time. Quick blow jobs. The bathrooms in the Modern, the restaurant at The Museum of Modern Art, are great. We get dressed up, order drinks (it's expensive!) I leave to use the loo, text him that I'm in the sixth stall on the left and he joins me there."

I definitely need to give that one a try.

Sexy Mom blogging for Babeland

I am honored that Babeland invited me to be a part of their Sexy Mom Bloggers again this year. Click here for sexy mom blogs. Trouble is, I don't often feel like a sexy mom. My daughter Vera is 6 months old, my son Felix is 5 and half, and two kids is a lot harder than one. I'm lucky if I get to jack off once a week, let alone make the time to actually have sex with my partner.

More Babeland Sexy Moms

Here's what I had to say last year around this time:
http://christenclifford.com/blog/2008_05_01_archive.html

And this still holds:

Being a sex positive family means:

not shying away from explanations of how babies are made
expressing my affection for my partner in front of my child
trying (!) to kiss my partner before my child when I walk in the door
talking about all the different kinds of families we know ("X has two daddies and Y has two mommies and Z has two mommies and a dad")
answering all questions honestly and with facts
expressing my need for privacy
teaching him about privacy (" Does it feel good when you touch your penis? Great! It's supposed to. I know it feels good, but it's best to do that in your room where you can have some privacy.")

The baby's sleeping now, perhaps I'll grab my Hitachi?

Blogging at Huf Po

Hi there, I'm blogging at Huffington Post about breastfeeding, pumping, and more! Join me here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christen-clifford/pumping-in-public_b_162713.html

BabyLove on Daily Bedpost

The wonderful Em and Lo interviewed me about BabyLove for the Daily Bedpost, the Conde Nast Sex Blog.  

"Yeah, she said 'mother' and 'sex' in the same sentence.  Call the family values brigade!"

Sexy Mama Take #4 - sexy mom self image

After I gave birth, I felt disfigured and damaged.  I was.  I had stitches and was injured there.   I shook.  Immediately I decided - this isn't happening.  No one must know.  I started doing Kegels obsessively. 

 I worked hard at trying to keep my sexual self image after my son was born....but it felt like a lie.  I was wearing black lace bras and ripped down the front wife beaters to show off my milk bar, but I was terrified of intercourse.  I did heal and we did eventually resume our sexual life, however my self image had changed.   I was trying to subvert the image of the sexless mother, but only on the surface.  It took me a few years to come to terms with myself- my changed body, my relationship with my husband and son, with myself.

I'm of two minds about the Angelina Jolie/yummy mummy phenom: on one hand, I want to be one, of course I do.  But on the other, I feel like I can never live up to that.  It just creates another thing for women to feel bad about themselves...it doesn't provide us with a real view of sexuality and motherhood.  The horniness of pregnancy, yes, but celebrities don't show us passing blood clots for weeks afterwards, stretch marks, nipples a mile long from breastfeeding, or the lovely but strange eroticism of loving a new human being that just came out of your body.

I'm pregnant now, and totally into my body: my breasts are full, I'm wearing tight clothes to show off the belly and boobs...and I'm aware this will be last time I'll feel like this.  Full, all that extra blood, walking anticipation.  

Sexy Mama Take #3 - Quickies versus Special nights: scheduling sex

 First of all, I never thought I would have to schedule sex.  I thought it would come back right away after our son was born.  I had heard tell of couples who didn't have sex for (gasp!) 4 months after the baby was born and I was sure we would never be one of them.  My partner Ken and I would be back to sex after a few weeks, tops.

It took us seven months.

Well, we had one afternoon of touching and orgasms at about five months, which reassured us that my equipment still worked.  But I was too scared to have intercourse.  Until finally I couldn't believe that it had been seven months and I just said to him one day after the three of us came home from afternoon stroll and Felix was still asleep in his stroller, "How about we take the chance he stays asleep and actually have sex?"

And now, we schedule sometimes and enjoy quickies.  We had a quickie this morning, our son was up late so I knew he'd sleep in a  little this morning.  I woke up and woke Ken up slowly.  Afterwards, we heard noise coming from his room, and realized our door was open.  I panicked and thought he'd woken up and seen us and then gone back to his room to play.  A few held breaths later, we realized it was just him turning in his sleep.  

We have occasionally hired a babysitter for special night out, and more than once planned special nights in, after the little one has gone to sleep.

We even dropped our son off for an overnight at friends (who were not exactly dying to have an almost two-year-old stay over-- they were newly engaged and I'm afraid we terrified them) and we got a last minute deal on a four star hotel room and had awesome hotel sex over and over and over until check out.  

And now, since I'm pregnant, I'm starting to plan for some sex adventures, knowing that come November, I'll be in time out for a little awhile.

Sexy Mama Take #2- Babeland Giveaways!

My four and  half year old son has had a lot of questions about erections lately, and sometimes I get a  little flustered.  He hopped into our bed this morning with this:

"Mommy I noticed something unusual - this part of my body got hard twice in the night."

What was he doing awake twice in the night?

"That's normal honey.  It's called an erection and it happens to all boys.  Sometimes it happens at night and sometimes it happens during the day..."  I notice he's got one.  "And sometimes, it happens in the morning."

My son's voice drops to a worried whisper.  "Can you make it- go away?"  

"It usually doesn't last for too long, honey.  It happens to daddy in the morning too and it usually goes away after he makes pee pee."  I woke up my husband and asked him to take over.  After all, I don't have one.

Tell me a story about how you talk to your kids about sex and I'll have Babeland send you a surprise gift!

Sex night planner

Babeland just sent me an email about Sexual Spontaneity that included this image from a magnetic game it sells.  Honestly, I don't want this on my fridge because my son could read it, but wow would I LOVE this as an online game!  Or a private Facebook application that I would actually use.  Somebody please make this sex planner into a calendar site that works.

Christen Clifford

BabyLove